jokes for yer big brain

[Chop]

A poor man finds God while walking through a forest.

“God, what is a million years like for you?”

“My son, for me a million years is like a second.”

“God, what is a million dollars to you?”

“My son, a million dollars means nothing to me.”

“So God, can I have a million dollars?”

“In a second.”

 

[mchammer]

 

[Statalyzer]

When Joseph Stalin first came into power in the USSR he was dating a much younger woman. She still lived in the same home as her family and they did not approve of Stalin.

One night she rang his phone asking him to come over for an intimate night. "I'm very sorry, my dear" he said "But I'm very busy sending people to the Gulag"

"But my parents aren't home!"

"Yes ... I know."

 

[WorsterMan]

There are only two ways to handle a woman and nobody knows either of them!

 

[mchammer]

There are only two ways to handle a woman and nobody knows either of them!

*and Adam took them to his grave.

 

[HornHuskerDad]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

[HornHuskerDad]

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[HornHuskerDad]

A King sent out an edict that all his noblemen should swear allegiance to his name and pay him a tribute in gold pieces every year on pain of death. Many Dukes and Barons agreed and handed over the gold pieces directly, for he was known to be a ruthless and terrible ruler. But there was one Count, although he was happy to swear his allegiance, steadfastly refused to pay the tribute. The King was troubled as to what to do, for he was very fond of this particular Count, so he threw him into jail, telling him he had a week to change his mind before he would be executed.

At the end of a week, the King asked the Count if he would pay the money now rather than lose his life, but the Count said no - he would ratherxdie. "Very well", said the King, “you shall be beheaded at dawn tomorrow.”

Dawn came, and the Count was taken to the castle roof, where a chopping block was in place and a tall executioner in a black robe was standing waiting with a large axe. Once again the King spoke to the Count: "This is your last chance - will you pay me?" "No, never!", he replied. At this the King gave the signal to the executioner. The Count laid down with his neck on the block, and the executioner stood beside him and raised up his mighty axe. Just as he started his swing, the Count let out a mighty cry: "Stop! I'll pay!" But it was too late - the axe fell and his head was sliced off and fell to the ground in a pool of blood. The moral of the story is, of course, clear:

You should never hatchet your Counts until they've chickened!

 

[HornHuskerDad]

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used this tool to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No,” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?" "No,” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?" "Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I have seen your four point tool." "Well, where is it?" inquired the chimp. "I ate it," said the jaguar, smugly. "Why would you do that?" cried the chimp. "Because," replied the big cat, "I am a four point tool eater Jaguar!"

 

[mchammer]

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

I have no idea why I laughed at this horrible joke.

 

[Horn6721]

mc
Agree
Looking for a Groan emoji for HHD for All of above
Even though I also laughed.

 

[HornHuskerDad]

If you'll look in the emoji file when you post a reply, there's a pretty decent "groan" emoji available - . A good shaggy dog story will almost always bring on some groans.

 

[Horn6721]

Thanks HHD. Very sporting of you. They were awful
But like mc said I did laugh
Hoping for more

 

[HornHuskerDad]

^When I find another good one, I'll post it!

 

[HornHuskerDad]

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close,' the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the thread and says, "Suture self".

 

[HornHuskerDad]

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts - Hattie and Sophia - who were skilled in the baking arts. One day, "Big Bill" was petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the town had, during the Revolution, raised the price of pies to the point that only the rich could afford them.
Not wanting to challenge the bakeries directly, he turned to his aunts and asked their advice. But when they had heard the story, the two old ladies were so incensed over the situation that they offered to bake 100 pies themselves, and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.
It was a roaring success. Their pies sold out quickly, and very soon they had managed to bring down the price of all kinds of pastry in Philadelphia.
In fact, even to this very day, their achievements are remembered as the remarkable Pie rates of Penn's aunts.

 

[Dionysus]

HHD you get a simultaneous yay! and boo! for some of these. Well done.

 

[HornHuskerDad]

A Russian scientist and a scientist from the Czech Republic had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to the park.
They reported to the ranger station but the chief ranger told them that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female.
Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded......

"I guess it means the Czech's in the male."

 

[HornHuskerDad]

Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend Sherlock Holmes out front in an overall, applying a pale yellow gloss to the front door.

"Holmes what is it?" cried the stupefied Watson.

"A lemon entry, my dear Watson."

 

[HornHuskerDad]

Anne the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque.
Sam's car wouldn't lock, but Sam was a good friend of the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office, and went into the disco for some fun.
By the end of the night, and having had way too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal, completely forgetting to take back their instruments.
Anne told the conductor, "I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco."

 

[Horn6721]

HHD


Please Sir may we have more?

 

[HornHuskerDad]

^I'll work on it!

 

[mchammer]