jokes for yer big brain

^When you retire, once you get used to not getting up to go to work, you'll find you have a bunch of time - and you'll want something to keep your mind active. In my case, it's playing tournament bridge, doing sudokus, and finding good shaggy dog stories. If you're thinking about retiring, get with your financial advisor - as soon as you're convinced you have a workable financial plan, pull the plug! Until you're there, you can't imagine how good retirement is! :)
 

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dumb ***!
 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "Screw him, he's only an egg!"
 
A Rabbi was stationed on a small island as a missionary to a tribe called Trids. The Trids were friendly and peaceful and the Rabbi came to love them dearly. The only problem was a Cyclops who would come down from the local mountain and kill the Trids by kicking them. The Rabbi tried reasoning with the Cyclops to no avail.

One night, the Trids threw a great party which angered the Cyclops. So much so, that the Cyclops came down from the mountain and killed every Trid by kicking them. The distraught Rabbi went to the Cyclops and asked, “Why would you do this terrible thing to these peaceful Trids?”

The Cyclops replied, “Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids!”
 
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
 
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him…


A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, Chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
 
A brunette was visiting her blonde friend, who had just acquired two new dogs. The brunette asked for the dogs’ names.
The blonde responded, “Bulova and Timex.”
The brunette stated, “What peculiar names for dogs! How did you arrive at those names?”
The blonde answered, “DUH! They’re watch dogs!”
 
The athlete who played "Kamala the Ugandan Giant" was James Harris. So I guess that makes him the original "Kamala" Harris!
:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
 
God decided to touch base with Satan one day.

God: Hey, Satan how's it goin' down there?
Satan: Great, real great. That engineer you sent down is a genius. He's given us running water to put out these damn eternal fires, we've got electricity for lights so we aren't stumbling around in the dark. He reckons the AC will be working next week, so it will be real comfy down here.
God: Engineer? There must be a mistake. You'll have to send him back up.
Satan: No way, I'm keeping him.
God: Send him up or else.
Satan: What are you gonna do? Sue me?
God: I will.
Satan: Hah! Where you gonna get a lawyer?
 
An Englishman an Irishman, and a Scotsman go to a pub, before they order their drinks a brash American millionaire introduced himself "Hey there guys! You look like you can handle your drink, tell you what, the first one to drink 15 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes gets $1000!"

The three men take the Yank up on his offer. The Englishman goes first and manages 10 pints, The Scotsman outdoes him by 1. When it's time for the Irishman he politely asks if he could excuse himself for a moment and leaves the pub.

The three remaining men exchange confused glances until the Irishman comes back 20 minutes later. He orders 15 pints and downs all of them in 8 minutes. The American is amazed "God god son! that was incredible! Here's your money. Where did you go by the way?" The Irishman shrugged and said "Oh I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it."
 
utahorn said:
An Englishman an Irishman, and a Scotsman go to a pub, before they order their drinks a brash American millionaire introduced himself "Hey there guys! You look like you can handle your drink, tell you what, the first one to drink 15 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes gets $1000!"

The three men take the Yank up on his offer. The Englishman goes first and manages 10 pints, The Scotsman outdoes him by 1. When it's time for the Irishman he politely asks if he could excuse himself for a moment and leaves the pub.

The three remaining men exchange confused glances until the Irishman comes back 20 minutes later. He orders 15 pints and downs all of them in 8 minutes. The American is amazed "God god son! that was incredible! Here's your money. Where did you go by the way?" The Irishman shrugged and said "Oh I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it."
Click to expand...
That's a good one. All that's missing is a Welshman shagging a sheep. :yikes:

 
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Continuing the theme utahorn started...

One afternoon, five American tourists in Ireland are taking in the sights when they see a sign that says, Sean’s Pub – All drinks 20 cents! In disbelief they enter the pub, thinking that this is too good to be true. Sean is standing behind the bar and in a gregarious voice says, “Welcome lads, let me pour you a drink.” After a couple of rounds, at only 20 cents per drink, their curiosity gets the best of them. Sean explains that he hit the Irish Lottery and quit his boring bookkeeping job to open the pub of his dreams. As the Americans lifted their pints, they couldn’t help noticing a group at the other end of the pub that hadn’t yet ordered a drop. One asked Sean, “What’s with them?” Sean replied, “Right, never mind them. That’s Angus and his crew from Scotland. They’re just waiting for happy hour.”
 
A man gets stopped by the Highway Patrol for speeding. The officer gets out of his car and comes to the driver's window with his ticket pad out and ready.
"Look," the officer says. "It's near the end of my shift and I'm dog tired. I don't really want to take the time to write a ticket. if you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll walk away and we'll forget about it."
The driver thinks a minute, then responds, "My wife left me for a Highway Patrol Officer last week. I was afraid you were the guy and were trying to give her back to me."
The officer folded his ticket book and left.
 
A guy is in the hospital, desperately needing a heart transplant. Days go by, and his condition worsens, with no donor heart available. One morning his surgeon comes into the room and greets his patient with "I have great news!"
The guys beams and says "That must mean a compatible donor heart is available."
Doctor: "Yes! And as luck would have it, after all the time we waited, three compatible hearts are available on the same day. You can have your choice."
Patient: "What are the choices?"
Doctor: "One is a 22-year-old professional skier, another is a 25-year-old marathon runner, and the last is an 81-year-old lawyer."
Patient: "I want the lawyer's heart!"
Doctor: "Okay - but why would you pass up the hearts from the superbly-conditioned young athletes to take the old lawyer's heart?"
Patient: "I want one that's never been used."
 
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
I loved Steven Wright when I was a kid. One of my favorite lines went something like this, "I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now I can't find him". Another was, "The other day I bought some batteries, but they weren't included so I had to buy them again".
 
Vol Horn 4 Life said:
I loved Steven Wright when I was a kid. One of my favorite lines went something like this, "I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now I can't find him". Another was, "The other day I bought some batteries, but they weren't included so I had to buy them again".
Click to expand...
Me too, "Every once in a while I like to poke my head out the window, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellite photo".
 
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