Jokes not requiring a big brain

C

Chop

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The new science teacher at the worst school in the State was trying to teach metric weight conversions to her class.

Teacher: How much is a gram?

Students: Depends on what you want.
 
What did Goldilocks say to the Queen of England?

"Your tea is not too hot, and not too cold, but just right!"





What did Goldilocks say to the President of the United States?

"Get your filthy hands off of me and stop sniffing my hair, you pervert!!!"
 
Officer: "I'm giving you a ticket. This is a one-way street."

Driver: "But officer, I was only driving one way..."
 
An aggy farmer was driving along the road with a load of cow-poo fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”

“Cow poo,” aggy replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered aggy.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”
 
On a drive in the country, a Longhorn noticed a aggy lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

“Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” said the Longhorn, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”

“Time?” said aggy. “What does time matter to a pig?”
 
Aggy checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The aggy says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
 
Not sure if this was West Mall or not but decided to put it here. Dion, please move if needed.

The Firing Squad

Donald Trump, George Bush, and Joe Biden were set to face a firing squad in a Central American country.

Donald Trump was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!"

The firing squad fell into a panic and Donald Trump jumped over the wall and escaped during the confusion.

George Bush was the second one placed against the wall.

The squad was reassembled, and George pondered what he had just witnessed.

Again, before the order was given George yelled out, "Tornado!"

Again, the squad fell apart, and George slipped over the wall.

The last person, Joe Biden, was placed against the wall.

He was thinking, I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.

He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled.

As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

And this story my friends reflects the true intelligence of the guy now living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW.
 
We’ve had some issues with our recent hires.

John seems to spend most of his time in the bathroom.

Chase is always running around.

Dick can be hard to handle at times.

Jimmy broke into the company safe.

Neil and Bob are always together and they both really suck.

Karen’s a real *****.

Karl’s ok, except in the Summer when he gets hot.

Fanny is a real ***.

And we can’t tell if Stacey is a boy or a girl.
 
not-my-job1.jpg
 
Doctor goes home after work. Finds a plumbing issue, calls a plumber. Plumber comes out, fixes the problem in 15 minutes.
Plumber: "That will be $80, please."
Doctor: "WHAT? That's $320/hour - I'm a brain surgeon, and I don't make $320/hour."
Plumber: "Neither did I, when I was a brain surgeon."
 
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